There may be people similar but never the same. You are made up of 30-40 TRILLION cells! Each cell making you into the wonderful, brilliant, human you are today. You have lived unique experiences and interacted with differing people to form the you you are today. The stories you have inside you are yours. The life you have lived is yours. You were placed on this planet for reasons you may never know but being you is what makes you perfectly you.
My adult realization that I need to get through my lizard brain, is that other people are so worried about their life and problems that they don’t have time to reflect on that one mistake you made back in high school. They don’t give two sh**s that you messed up a thank you, or tripped up the stairs. Maybe for a split second it crossed their mind – but as soon as you are out of site, honey, I promise you, you’re also out of their mind.
I’m guilty of thinking that everyone is judging me. It was either all that correcting I got for saying the wrong word when reading in front of the class and having everyone call out the right word to shame me into remembering, or only being aware of what I’m doing and in turn thinking other people are aware of what I’m doing.
Yeah, you may have tripped in front of a crowd of people and they may have laughed at you (or offered you help if they were a good person). You may have said, ‘You too’, to a waiter when ordering food. Heck, you may have even awkwardly called someone by the wrong name or forgotten their name entirely. Chances are, people won’t remember those things. These are common situations that happen to people every day that we internalize when it happens to us – but in truth, no one cares. Sally is too busy with shopping for dinner and getting ready for night classes. Mohammad is too busy driving his kids to swimming lessons and picking up the dry cleaning. Everyone has their own life, their own problems, and own internalized fears, so, they don’t have the time to think about you. Those close to you may care. They may worry or express their concerns. They may offer help and suggestions… but like everyone else – they don’t have the time to always be thinking about your screw ups that you think were screw ups.
Think of your last in-person interaction with someone. This might be tough since we are currently in a pandemic and social distancing is still a thing. Now, thinking back to that interaction, what do you remember? Do you remember their mistakes or do you remember yours? Chances are, you remembered yours because you knew they were mistakes. The other person is in the same situation.
As Billie Eilish said in one of her interviews,
“I will never know what you are really thinking. You can say what you’re thinking but I will never know.”
It’s true. I will never know what you are thinking. I will never know what you are really feeling or how you are struggling. We can try to understand one another, try to empathize with each other but in truth we will never truly know. At the end of the day, as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others, you keeping being the awesome person you are. People don’t care about your mistakes and the moment you realize this, the freer you’ll be.
All my life I’ve felt like I was a square peg trying to fit into a circular hole. I was too mature for my age when I was younger, and now I’m not mature enough. I love being creative and trying new things. I love learning and challenging the norms… but I have also grown to be self-conscious of what I say or do. This could be due to all the bullying I went through in my early adolescene or being told by those around me that I’m too loud, too emotional, or too passionate about the things I learn or are interested in. I know it is up to me to not give a sh** but it’s hard when you have trained yourself to seek other peoples approval all these years.
So, for my 30th year on this planet called Earth, I am saying SCREW IT and doing what I want.
Why? ‘Cause playing by the rules others put before me has got me no where.
My parents wanted me to graduate university. I did and in turn couldn’t find a job in my field. So, I resulted in getting a job in office administration thanks to my summer experience. Society said I should get a house, a husband, and a dog. Well, I did find a man that loves me for me – which makes him crazier than I am or just as crazy as I am. We bought a house together and have two lovely cats – even though they wake me up at 4 a.m every morning. Society also said, you need a job to make money and work hard so you can retire one day… and this is what I did.
For seven years I was a good little office worker. I busted my butt day in and day out. I worked overtime. I overloaded my workload to make certain I was needed. I helped where I could and was friendly, professional and helpful… and you know what I got?
LAID OFF!
Yep, I worked my butt off and they still found a reason to make me redundant. I did everything I was told to do and be and still got the boot. Was I bitter? Yes. Am I still bitter? Sort of… but bitterness, like spite, is a great motivator. So, I’m using that bitterness to fuel my confidence to do what I want to do. After all, I’m a 30-year-old lady who’s jobless and confused – this leaves me with some options, right?
It is the wonderful feeling of being in a constant state of confusion. I think the word sums out what I’ve been feeling for most of my life, since most of it was spent questioning things that appeared perfectly normal to other people. Being a person that thinks outside the box, in pictures, and speaks in half sentences because my mouth can’t keep up with my brain, this word is the perfect fit. It is due to this constant feeling of confusion and being misplaced that I have the drive to find out the reason ‘why’ for things. It’s why I trained to become a teacher, why I studied Reiki, and why I studied to be a Death Educator. Learning the reasons why and sharing that knowledge interests me. What also interests me are crafts.
Wood work, crochet, gardening, cooking, eco friendly living – these are all things that have come into my life again and again. Now that I have some time on my hands, while I find new employment, I’m going to explore these interests a little closer. Who knows – one of them might be my ‘thing’.
My musings, my reviews of certain products, and things I find funny about life. Let’s call this a lifestyle blog for the constantly confused… since that’s what I am and this is my life.
Hopefully in time this will grow to help others, and in the end – that’s all I could possibly hope for. 🙂
